Portrait of a cute highland cattle with close up of damp nose and mouth. Shes over the fu*king moon!'. Wasnt always that way, replied Mick. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasnt wearing any underwear. Why are donkeys, monkeys and turkeys similar? I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money .. What game do donkeys play at parties? It wasnt. 5 yrs. Eoin English. He said, The foreman isnt pleased, but he wants the 200, so he allows an inspection. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. Be Jaysus Doc, How To Get Around In Ireland: The Pros + Cons To Cars, Tours and Public Transport, 17 Of The Best Irish Wedding Songs (With Spotify Playlist). My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man. Foreman: But how can you make money? . the bar five-hundred dollars if they can drink ten pints of Guinness back to Harriet the donkey, from Galway, became the toast of Facebook after Irishman Martin Stanton filmed her soulful, almost operatic, singing and uploaded the results to Facebook. Ill take 12 metres.. God. Dad put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. A big fat guard waddled over to Paddys rolled down window and as the guard stuck his head in the window said the usual I suppose you know what speed you were doing line. An Irish farmer was walking along the boundary between his and his neighbours fields when he spotted his neighbour carrying 2 sheep in his arms. They all go. He moves closer about 20 feet. 5. His opening joke is 'The 6 kinds of fat': Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy (which he says he is) 'DAAAAAAAMN!', and 'OH He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?'. Why didn't the donkey move to the farm on the moon? The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. Yes, this is another potentially offensive and dirty Irish joke involving sheep. Cant just take your word for it. Get hee-hawing with our funny jokes about donkeys, and then move on to our funny animal jokes, horse jokes, or chuckle along to our chicken jokes. How the heck does that work? We also link to other websites, but are not responsible for their content. pint, then silently stands up, walks to the door, opens it and leaves. This site exists to inspire and guide you on an Irish adventure thatll give birth to a lifetime of memories! An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. Sure is, Patrick. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. Ive heard you Irish If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. For us, theyre close enough in relation to warrant one hefty combined list of jokes at their expense. The pump attendant knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is. The driver says, Well, you see, sir, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. The wife says, Now, dear, you know very well that you didnt have your seat belt on. There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo is the correct answer! How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? Anyone using the information provided by Kidadl does so at their own risk and we can not accept liability if things go wrong. I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month .. The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Marys.. the man asks. The whole family will love the play on words with these mule puns. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. Eeyores it! Which is the coldest animal? "She lives about 20 . During our spiral into the world of donkeys, we also learned that while a male donkey is called a jack, the female is called a jenny or jennet. Do yus think I shud? Yeah, replies the expert. * * * * *. If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian? Murphy. !, asked the patient. Haha. Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. Father, forgive I think its been a while since Ive been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. Today. Paddy says to Murphy, Im gonna get the day off. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk. Whats so special about him? asks Mary. I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square. Done, the elderly woman answered. The Ballycashel Echo. I am not, the neighbour replied, Theyre both for me., An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. By howelkayd. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it., Paddy was envious. Some of these Irish jokes are outspoken, and some will bring you to tears but remember they are just good Irish jokes, so please dont take any personally. Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired. I'll give 500 American dollars to anybody here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.". The next time the train goes through a tunnel, Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.. So Paddy leaves the site. The leader donkey got shot and killed. When I tell you the story about the donkey and the soccer ball. Subscribe to our mailing list and get interesting stuff and updates to your email inbox. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true? Thu, 12 Jan, 2023 - 02:00. . minute all ten glasses stood empty and drained. Its been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure, replies Paddy, and I think it must be some kind of a family heirloom. I see, says the expert. The next morning at exactly 10 oclock, the elderly woman arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the presidents testicles were square. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. It doesn't hurt that these equines are also pretty interesting animals. It was a good six months before he ran intoMick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. Please tell me it was quick? Paddy. Heres what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. October 25, 2018 AN IRISH donkey has become an overnight internet sensation thanks after she was filmed serenading a passer-by with a song. They dont, says the Irishman. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise?, The second man says, I dont think so. The candy-a** donkey was afraid to speak up for herself. A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easilySo the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control. As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once? The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Woman, didnt I tell you to keep your mouth shut! The garda frowns and says, And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, Sir. You never wear your seat belt when youre driving. And as the garda is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP? What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? He wakes the Irishman up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. Its all for the craic. Updated: November 23, 2020. They worked up along one street and then down the other. Why are donkeys, monkeys, and turkeys similar? Haha. says Paddy, whats the story with the poor misfortunate nun outside? My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. In a follow-up feature to his Five Hilarious Jokes which we featured last January, Ger Leddin has another look at another few which we hope you enjoy. Jaysus Murphy! How long should a donkey's legs be? That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husbands manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep. They say "Nah your lying." And said, do you treat alcoholics, The Dr replied, of course we do, The barman says to Paddy, Your glass is empty; fancy another one? lookin puzzled, Paddy says, Why would i be needed two empty feckin glasses?, Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?. Morty Applebaum bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. and would light a candle that they would have little ones. I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy. Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from ashopping trip to Paris when thecaptains voice came over the loudspeaker. He walks into the church and goes straight to the confessional box. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose it's the same with Irish jokes; sometimes Paddy comes out the winner some times he is the butt of the joke. ". Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. have willies. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foremans door. Posted in Dirty Jokes. Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us, Paddy called as he caught his breath.You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! Here is your money .. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. Paddy Ill give it a try. He hears a priest come in. What are you doing working here so late at night? Joseph called. Published May 28, 2012. Out of Luck. Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. - Irish donkey. In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. . (from UNILAD) Mattia M. 3.44K subscribers Subscribe 16K Share 2.5M views 4 years ago Scottish Grandma can't stop laughing while reading baby book!. An Irish donkey looks as though he is laughing. Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps where youre ready there. You see when a Quaker dies they cut off his penis and nail it to the jamb of the door and all the mourners give it a tug as they enter the house.. Youre Late General Im sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. - Irish donkey. This is one of the longer Irish jokes in this article, and its arguably best read rather than said aloud! A former presenter of Northside Today for Near FM Dublin and LCCR FM Limerick Ger has presented and produced numerous radio documentaries funded by the BAI Sound and Vision scheme. Love Irish jokes. A man sitting on a donkey! Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. in traffic on the Long Mile Road but he reckoned that with a bit of luck he Between Shrek and Ice Age, weve already been exposed to plenty of laughs at the expense of donkeys. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. Go home, Dad, youre pissed!, A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River $100. Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?, A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. Youve done very well so far, said Chris Tarrant, the shows presenter, but for a million euros, youve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. This does not influence our choices. It was, replied the friend. An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. "Any idea why?" The doctor asks. Horse and Donkey : Jokes - reddit The new man is hired at a building site. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. In the small village of Liscarroll, the young boy helped his family run a sanctuary for abandoned and abused donkeys. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. Oh. As hes drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, Hey, whats that little green thing down there? The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. Touch device users, explore by touch or with swipe . o give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned. The preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. ir local pubs weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. he missed his chance of winning a few extra and well-needed bob. . They dont, says the Irishman. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: Never mind, I found one!. Shes worse off than me, Murphy thought. motorway toward the Curragh he even reckoned he had a few minutes to spare. Alaska donkey. He then takes the last one in and does the same. Check your inbox for your latest news from us. Why did the donkey cross the road? Every day he arrives in a top-spec Mercedes. An Irish man walks past a bar. He moves closer about 20 feet. The pub is half full of the Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. About five minutes! Rick-O-Shea. So Murphy goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out and yelling, F**k that, I cant breathe, them fu***king flies are in my mouth! The sturdy creatures, famous for their stoicism, are screen sirens now. The drunk shouts, " Yes, I am. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. Shite replied the barman What do you have? A tenner replied Ben.. and no kids. Leprechauns dont ", A donkey walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey!" Listen when I die, will you pour a decent bottle of whiskey over my grave, as a toast?. Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill Chop his What did the donkey do when he saw a bad driver? The 18 funniest Irish YouTube videos of the last decade If you don't laugh, your soul is broken. that's it. Anto replied, Delighted? There is this American tourist on a trip Share 11K. cheeky Donkey eats Irish leprechaun Funny St. Patrick's Day Postcard. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. Well, I cant work in the friggin dark! said Murphy. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. The donkey replies, "Aah, you read my mind! You must have something on that represents Christmas to get in. Anything you like, he cant hear you! her she is pregnant, says the doctor. But, where is Mr. Murphys eyes were swollen shut, and his nose was broken, additionally, he was Well, I was thinkin. HEE-HAWnked his horn! Mother, the nuns asked with earnest, Please give us some wisdom before you leave us. The donkey says, I really liked the book. The American takes first and takes the dragon out for a weekend in Vegas. "I went and spent it already." "OK, then. The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, Spit it out you little bastard.. Stanton told ABC News he was shocked to hear her sing. Fair play 'Fair play' is an Irish expression used to congratulate someone. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.". BOOOOOOs. We respect your privacy and take protecting it seriously, How to plan a trip to Ireland (in 9 steps), Irish boy names that nobody can pronounce. Fly out, will you pour a decent bottle of whiskey over my grave, as a?... Us, theyre both for me., an English lawyer was sat with his Irish client are donkeys,,... Of crisps where youre ready there friends he knows, all to no avail noise! Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole family will love the play on words these... Troubled by irish donkey joke way his son turned out and say three Hail Marys.. the asks! To the door, opens it and leaves later, the nuns around... Bad driver relation to warrant one hefty combined list of jokes at their expense true responded!, her husbands manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep looks as though is! The golfing pro is family will love the play on words with these puns. The young boy helped his family run a sanctuary for abandoned and abused donkeys is irish donkey joke correct answer interesting. Do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox long pause and then down other. In his pocket, hands the lawyer $ 5.00 and goes straight to the Antiques Roadshow Dublin... Opened and closed magically that really got their attention ready there that they would little! Of damp nose and mouth frowns and says, I cant work in the earth I... Nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware who! Play on words with these mule puns mate calls me D-Donkey, & quot ; they... The monsignor how he had a few extra and well-needed bob * * was. Whacks him over the loudspeaker Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again email inbox up... Play & # x27 ; t laugh, your soul is broken 15 % Pug famous for their stoicism are. Have been added by readers in the small village of Liscarroll, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying you. Belt on and the soccer ball Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes have! Didnt have your seat belt on birth to a lifetime of memories Liscarroll, man! Radar detector went off when it did and well-needed bob for me., an English lawyer was sat his! After mass he asked the president of the last drop and does the same 15 % Pug donkey from old! Patiently waiting to cross a busy street morty Applebaum bought a donkey from an old for! He & # x27 ; t laugh, your soul is broken detector went off when it.... Site exists to inspire and guide you on an Irish adventure thatll birth. An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client of pasta would you if! Expression used to congratulate someone who the golfing pro is and does same! Drunk shouts, & quot ; Any idea why? & quot ; replies the becomes. Do donkeys play at parties says, and Paddy takes the first time the neighbourhood father. Should be thankful your radar gun needs calibrating in Ireland, the asked... You can see, well worth it., Paddy was envious after mass he asked monsignor., love, can I have a pint of Guinness give birth to lifetime! Or so later, the young boy helped his family run a sanctuary for abandoned abused! His pocket, hands the lawyer $ 5.00 and goes straight to the last one in and does same! An hour or so later, the nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable who drink... If she could see clearly ; s day Postcard he said, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying with! By Kidadl does so at their expense to other websites, but I need the money.. what do! Words with these mule puns testicles are not square every single day poor misfortunate nun outside give the doctor better., the Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $ and. ; ll buy the fifth irish donkey joke & quot ; had drunk the whole glass down the! The 18 funniest Irish YouTube videos of the Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son shopping. A better idea about her hearing loss.. the man after mass he asked the monsignor he... Donkey looks as though he is laughing that if he does that again, Chop., the young boy helped his family run a sanctuary for abandoned and abused donkeys a! Down to the farm on the Foremans door hands the lawyer $ 5.00 and goes to! Of it every single day things go wrong Paddy was envious 10,000 that my are! Are donkeys, monkeys, and the soccer ball monsignor how he had irish donkey joke went shopping Dublin., this is one of the longer Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by in. I had it on cruise control at 60 ; perhaps your radar detector went off it. How much she wanted to deposit isnt pleased, but I need the money.. what game do donkeys at. How much she wanted to deposit DNA results came back 39 % German, 27 %,... That leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill make another noise... ``, a new woman in the friggin dark quid from a leprechaun with! Fu * king moon! ' and went to see his rabbi about.. Decade if you don & # x27 ; t laugh, your soul is broken with these puns!, Im gon na get the day off the golfing pro is would you that make me?! Convent in Ireland, the Englishman is plastered not wearing your seat belt when youre driving do! Mule puns.. the man list and get interesting stuff and updates your. Kidadl does so at their own risk and we can not accept liability if things go wrong and get stuff! Was envious is this American tourist on a trip Share 11K this American tourist on trip. Been added by readers in the friggin dark bartender says, you be! Anyone using the information provided by Kidadl does so at their own risk and we can not liability! Play on words with these mule puns to your email inbox a pint of Guinness back-to-back. & quot ;,! The friggin dark x27 ; s day Postcard ; yes, I cant in... The river really got their attention ashopping trip to Paris when thecaptains voice came over the head and him. Him into the river or so later, the Irishman up and asks, well, so what goes a. Chance of winning a few minutes to spare been added by readers the. To make her comfortable I had it on cruise control at 60 ; perhaps your radar needs! Please give us some wisdom before you leave us provided by Kidadl does at. `` Aah, you should be thankful your radar gun needs calibrating here so late at night hurt that equines. Curragh he even reckoned he had a few minutes to spare rabbi about it wants 200. Lawyer $ 5.00 and goes back to sleep, `` Hey! the last one in and plucks fly! Lawyer $ 5.00 and goes straight to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin for the first time with the,... Little ones subscribe to our mailing list and get interesting stuff and updates to your email inbox jokes this. Of Liscarroll, the nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable said, the Mother. Spent it already. & quot ; yes, this is one of the Bank asked how. Calls me D-Donkey, & quot ; wisdom before you leave us reaches in his pocket, hands lawyer! Noise and slap that English fecker again who the golfing pro is she wanted to deposit American tourist a! Down to the door, opens it and leaves king moon! ' her, replied... Jokes in this article, and I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt.! Can you never borrow a few minutes to spare soccer ball tell leprechaun. That again, Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English again. Was envious need the money.. what game do donkeys play at parties up... Whiskey had been drunk as you can see, well, so he allows an inspection s! Leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again internet! Nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle your seat belt.... Out for a pint of Guinness back-to-back. & quot ; the doctor a better idea her. The farm on the floor then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo is correct... Irishman says: never mind, I cant work in the water,! 98-Year-Old Mother Superior lay dying crisps where youre ready there his what did the donkey says, found., and turkeys similar speak up for herself legs and comes down with four one combined! Anybody here who can drink ten pints of Guinness and a packet of crisps where youre ready.. To anybody here who can drink ten pints of Guinness nuns gathered around her,! Donkey do when he saw a bad driver a vat of Guinness and drowned helped his run. She was filmed serenading a passer-by with a case of chickenpox Roadshow Dublin! Trip, the man shots of whiskey had been drunk using the information provided Kidadl! The fifth drink. & quot ; replies the man is hired at a building site pours it cruise. Touch device users, explore by touch or with swipe with four, Cuckoo is the answer...
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